T’s Diary(4)

Thursday

Why do we look for love in people around us? Why do we always need someone to love us or someone for us to yearn? What do we want in the name of love?

‘A’ is going to meet his parents over this long weekend, planning to leave tomorrow early morning and wants me to accompany him. I was not aware of his plan and ok, even if I knew about it, I’m so damn tired today that all I want for this weekend is, sleep sleep sleep! I may read one or two pending books, catch up with few shows on Netflix or just do nothing!
Is it necessary to prove that I do care for him by just agreeing to what he expects me to do? My mom was also hoping me to visit her, but I can tell her that though I miss her so much and would love to meet her but not this weekend as I am tired and don’t feel like traveling. When I explained this to ‘A,’ he said, “Oh, your mom is used to live alone! She has been a strong woman all these years so she can take your ‘no’ matter of factly! But I don’t expect this behavior from you.”

By the way, my mom and dad mutually decided to end their marriage when I was 10 years old. I have seen their differences, but it was never ugly. I love my dad, and he is always there for me when I need him. But I have seen my mom struggling with her job and me after dad left us. She stuck to her decision of living an independent life on her own terms, but that doesn’t mean all was easy for her. She had her share of financial struggle, competitive job environment and my teen years to bear with!

When I think about Mom’s response and ‘A’ s reaction, I have following questions in my mind …….When someone says “I love you” what I hear is, ” I need you”, ” I want your attention”, ” I want you to please me”,” You are synonymous with my comfort”, ” you are the one who can make me happy”, ” you are mine and only mine (possession)”, ” I like your beauty”, and so on….. where is love ?? What is pure love ??? Is it even existing or just play of words?!

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